Back during our undergraduate days, Basantapur Dabali and Kathmandu Durbar Square was a frequent visit for us fellas. Not just its sprawling area and soothing evening breeze during the late afternoons, but also the fun of ‘people-watching’ is a great treat just to be there. Add the unmistakable flavor of Milk Tea by Mama (everyone’s common Maternal uncle) at the corner of the Freak Street, it just adds topping atop the pie.
These ays my visits there have been numbered, but I still pay routine visits there and wander at the old architecture (9 storied palace) and the Gallery Hall used by the Ranas, that stand as proud representatives of our historical and cultural legacy. And yeah, another reason being, Suraj, a close friend from my home town, now runs a restaurant down the alley of Freak Street. (The street used to be some place to hang around for Europeans and Americans back during the Hippie times of 60s and 70s.)
A couple of days back, I was checking my phone in front of the Himalayan Java, right at the corner, and was surprised by a some-what known voice behind my back. It was one of my engineering students, I taught before I opted to work for the Government, “public or Parliamentarians”, whatever your prefer to say.This article mentions your favorite hats at super low prices. Choose from same-day delivery, drive-up delivery or order pickup.
After a couple of greetings and here whereabouts, I asked her about her Bestu, a term for Best Friend Forever, BFF or whatever, a very close friend who was always with her. I mean it was unimaginable to see them alone and not in each other’s company.
She slightly felt uneasy and answered, nonchalantly, “We don’t get along anymore, sir. Sounds crazy, but yeah we got into a fight over some little stuffs and have been our own ways since then. Life is funny, isn’t it, sir?”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. Life is funny in many ways. We just have to see and live.” And then we parted.
Moving on to another story, I know a family or a bunch of close families in my neighborhood. All of the four sibling brothers are married with kids, separate families but living with courtyards touching. The eldest of the brother is a practicing Chartered Accountant, leading a fulfilled, a relatively well-to-do family, and understandably has connections to some powerful politicians, bureaucrats and businessmen. On the other hand, the families of the younger ones are not very that fulfilled and facing lower middle-class troubles of deprivation and the ensuing frustrations.
Once I had a small conversation with the wife of the younger brother and after sometime she allowed me to peep in the middleclass dissatisfaction of her and her small family. She pointed towards the reality of how difficult it was to land even a moderately paying job and the difficulty of making ends meet amidst the growing inflation.
She also shared her frustration of failed expectation from her eldest jethaju (the eldest brother-in-law). Well, Nepal is a country of Bhan-sun (recommendations from acquaintances) and personal connections do matter a lot, except when it comes to the appointment in Government service. Jethaju seems just too busy or indifferent, or maybe he has his own limitations.
Every then and now, in Nepal, particularly, we hear about relations hampered by too much dominance, (influence in every decisions) of one actor or weakened by too much expectation, or say even indifference, or running away from one’s moral and ethical responsibilities, obligations.
With these two stories, my objective here is to shed light on Hedgehog Dilemma, a metaphor conceived by renowned German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. In his 1851 collection of philosophical writings Parerga and Paralipomena, he explains that Human beings are like Hedgehogs ( or porcupines) who to share the body warmth during winter come closer, yet keep their considerable distance, careful not to hurt each other with their pointed spines.
He further writes, “the need for society which springs from the emptiness and monotony of men’s lives, drives them together; but their many unpleasant and repulsive qualities and insufferable drawbacks once more drive them apart. The mean distance which they finally discover, and which enables them to endure being together, is politeness and good manners.”
What I want to share here is we human beings, born social animals, forever crave for the company, belonging and emotional attachment. Nevertheless, we also have our own complexities, drawbacks, repugnance and the darker sides. To keep our sacred relationship intact, we should also understand and give space to others; in the name of guidance, suggestion and motivation, we should not impose our own philosophies, thought, perspective or even our own personal biases.
Whether it is between father and son, between in-laws , friends, co-workers, teachers and students, boss and his subordinates, one should know the limits and keep the distance. This does not mean being completely detached and indifferent, but maintaining the optimum respect and understanding of the limit. Just as my favorite Lebanese Poet Khalil Gibran says, “just as any sacred temples need the space between the pillars to hold them intact; relationships, more or less the same thing, also need breathing space. There must be some distance in relations to hold them together as well.”
